Where did I think I would be right now? Not here, anyway. But here I am. I can feel in my heart to go but I can’t go. I try so hard to move but I don’t. I’m 26 and still feeling like I’m waiting to jump. Waiting for a sign? Life has me bound and gagged. Sure things could be worse, things could always be worse. Maybe I want it to get worse so I have to move my motivation around. I’m running… I keep running. Everyday I get up and I run. I run out the door, run on the treadmill, run to my job, run to impress, run to keep from getting caught. Or am I just caught up? Searching and wondering all day. Is it possible to have thoughts bottled so deep inside not even a sound comes out? Is it possible to be so quiet not even I hear my own thoughts? Could it be true I know, but I won’t allow it? Go for your dreams people keep saying. But I’m dreaming of swimming and I swim so hard. The water comes creeping up on me. It comes in and I’m afraid of it. I’m always afraid of the water in my dreams. What could that be? An indication? My first dream of coming to Los Angeles was of living in a locker. I’m locked inside my mind. I try to find a way out. To say, “Hello! I’m here! I matter! I have important ideals! I think, therefore I am!” What does any of it even mean? Is it to have a great career? One in which the money is flowing in a steady stream? Is it all about the passion to something that means something?? Is it about the desire to discover? To find love? To settle down? To travel and realize how small all of my items may be? The items I keep inside my soul… they fester, they penetrate only me. They come out late at night when my feet are tired from running all day. My batteries are drained… my head is aching and my heart is numb. But no, I see I feel, I hear… what do I hear? What’s over the next hill? Where do I run to now? Where can I swim in my sea of dreams? So many questions that lead to the land of nowhere. So many answers to questions never asked… never muttered. I mutter alone to myself about the incompetence of my abilities. So go? Now? When I get there I will know it is where I always wanted to be… they will be waiting for me when I get there. They will say exasperated, “where have you been?”
